What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 06:45
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
How often do prisoners try to escape from jail/prison, and how many of them succeed?
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
While emptying a house, have you ever seen something in it that blew your mind?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do guys ever want to suck a dick even though they are straight?
I said to her
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Est dolore nobis praesentium dicta voluptas aut.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So, i spoilt her more .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it wasn’t much.
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot live in the past .
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.